Why So Many of Us Feel Like We’re Pretending
Have you ever found yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop, convinced that it’s only a matter of time before someone realizes that you’re not as capable as they think you are? Maybe it happens during a big meeting when your heart starts to race and you suddenly feel sure that your ideas aren’t as sharp as everyone else’s. Or after a promotion, when instead of feeling proud, you quietly wonder whether you truly earned it, or if it was just luck or good timing. You might notice these feelings in school, in creative pursuits, or even in personal relationships. Perhaps you hesitate to speak up in a group because you worry your thoughts aren’t valuable. Maybe you avoid trying a new hobby because you fear you won’t do it right.
That quiet fear of being found out, even in the midst of real accomplishments, is what we often call impostor syndrome. It’s that uneasy gap between how others see you and how you feel inside, the dissonance between external success and internal doubt. Many people describe it as a constant hum of anxiety that follows them even into moments where they should feel confident or at ease. It can make success feel fragile, as if it could disappear the moment someone takes a closer look.
If this sounds familiar, you’re certainly not alone. These feelings are far more common than most of us realize.
What Is Impostor Syndrome
Impostor syndrome isn’t a clinical diagnosis. It’s a way of describing what happens when capable, intelligent, and hardworking people struggle to believe in their own success. On the outside, they often look composed and confident, but inside, they may feel anxious, undeserving, or like a fraud. They might tell themselves that their achievements happened by luck or timing, or that others have overestimated them somehow.
At its core, impostor syndrome is often a form of anxiety, the kind that hides beneath perfectionism and self-criticism. It can also reflect a deeper struggle with self-worth. When we link our sense of value to performance, praise, or outcomes, success in any area of life can start to feel precarious, like something that could be taken away from us at any time.
For some people, impostor syndrome isn’t just about the fear of failure. It can also be a quiet fear of success. When we succeed, we become more visible, which can bring new expectations and pressure. It’s common to worry about whether we’ll be able to maintain it, or whether others will eventually see us differently. The mind can try to protect us from this uncertainty by insisting, What if you can’t keep this up? What if they find out you’re not really who they think you are?
How Common It Really Is
One of the most healing things to learn about impostor syndrome is how widespread it is. Most people experience some version of it at some point in their careers, education, or personal lives. It affects people across professions and fields — artists, students, physicians, academics, lawyers, engineers, entrepreneurs, teachers, athletes, therapists, and many others.
It’s especially common among high-achievers, first-generation professionals, and people working in competitive or high-pressure environments. And for those who belong to underrepresented groups in their field, impostor syndrome can be magnified by the weight of bias, stereotype threat, or the subtle message that they must work harder to belong. In these cases, impostor feelings aren’t just personal insecurities; they’re shaped by the social and cultural context we’re navigating.
In other words, if you’ve ever felt this way, you are in good company. Even if most people don’t talk about it out loud, many of the people you most admire have likely wrestled with these same thoughts.
Common Signs and Inner Experiences
Impostor syndrome can look a little different for everyone, but it tends to share a few recognizable patterns. You might notice yourself:
• Discounting achievements or explaining them away (It wasn’t that big of a deal, Anyone could have done it).
• Over-preparing or overworking to avoid any chance of failure.
• Comparing yourself to others and feeling like you always come up short.
• Avoiding new opportunities because you fear you won’t live up to expectations.
• Feeling uncomfortable with praise, deflecting compliments, or feeling undeserving of recognition.
What lies underneath is often a tender mix of fear and longing, the fear of being exposed, and longing to feel genuinely secure in one’s own competence. There’s a kind of irony here: the very people who struggle most with impostor feelings are often the ones who care deeply about doing good work. Their self-doubt isn’t proof of inadequacy; it’s a reflection of integrity and thoughtfulness turned inward a little too harshly.
Why We Experience It
Impostor feelings don’t usually come out of nowhere. They often grow out of early experiences and the messages we absorbed about success, belonging, or perfection. Maybe you grew up in an environment that valued achievement, or where love and praise felt linked to performance. Maybe you were the one who was seen as the responsible one or the high achiever, and over time, you learned to tie your worth to that image.
Cultural and social dynamics also play a role. When you’re the first in your family, or your community to occupy a certain space, it can feel like you have more to prove (and sometimes, more to lose). Women, people of color, and other marginalized groups often navigate environments that weren’t built with them in mind. That can quietly feed the belief that you don’t belong, even when you absolutely do.
None of this means something is wrong with you. It means you’ve learned to navigate a world that can make confidence harder to hold onto.
Working Through Impostor Syndrome
Overcoming impostor syndrome isn’t about never feeling doubt again. It’s about learning to relate to those feelings differently, with more awareness, kindness, and perspective. Sometimes it helps to imagine talking to a friend who feels this way. You would probably remind them that they belong and that their work matters. Try offering yourself that same kindness.
Here are some ways to begin:
Name it. When you notice thoughts like I just got lucky or I don’t really deserve this, pause and label them as impostor thoughts. Naming them creates space between you and the feeling.
Keep the evidence close. Write down your accomplishments, moments of positive feedback, or situations where you showed courage. Return to that list when self-doubt starts to take over. This practice is about gently reminding yourself of what’s already true.
Redefine success. Instead of perfection or constant achievement, consider that success could mean showing up authentically, learning as you go, and giving yourself permission to be human.
Practice self-compassion. Notice how you speak to yourself in moments of doubt. Would you speak to a friend that way? Try offering yourself warmth and understanding.
Seek connection. Talking about impostor syndrome with trusted peers, mentors, or a therapist can help break its hold and normalize what often feels isolating.
Use small reflective practices. Pausing after a compliment (allowing yourself to really take it in), journaling about something you did well, or noticing one kind thought toward yourself can slowly shift how you experience self-doubt.
A Reframe to Keep in Mind
Feeling like an impostor doesn’t mean you’re not capable. It usually means you care deeply about your work and about being a thoughtful, present person in life. The goal isn’t to erase these feelings, but to approach them with understanding instead of judgment. Over time, self-doubt will begin to soften, and you will start to see yourself as others already do: capable, deserving, and enough.
It’s also worth remembering that your achievements and success do not define you. You are more than your work, more than your accomplishments, and more than how well you perform in any one area of life.
If you notice your impostor thoughts today, pause for a moment and offer yourself a small kindness. You don’t need to earn your place by doing more or proving yourself harder. You are already enough, exactly as you are.