Culture and Mental Health: A Miniseries

Setting Boundaries with Your Immigrant Parents

Welcome to the first post in a miniseries on mental health and culture. In this series, we’ll explore the ways our cultural backgrounds shape our emotional lives, relationships, and sense of self. Today, we’re starting with one of the most common (and often most challenging) topics: setting boundaries with your immigrant parents.

If you grew up in an immigrant family, you probably know what it means to live in two worlds at once. On one hand, there is often this deep sense of gratitude for everything your parents have done for you, all that they sacrificed, the pride you feel in your culture and traditions, and the values you carry that keep you connected to your roots. On the other, there can also be an accompanying feeling of pressure or guilt to prioritize the needs of the family above all else; and the sense that no matter what you do, it’s never quite enough. The question “what will people think?” or the unspoken expectation to put family first might have shaped so many of your choices.

That’s why boundaries can feel so complicated. For many of us, it’s not about rejecting our culture or pushing our parents away, it’s about finding a way to honor both our love for our families and our need for individuality, rest, and emotional well-being. Something we want to actively start reinforcing to ourselves is that boundaries don’t break relationships. In the long run, healthy boundaries strengthen them.

Why Boundaries Feel So Complicated in Immigrant Families

Boundaries can feel heavier in immigrant families because there’s often a history of sacrifice and survival underneath. Many immigrant parents didn’t grow up in a world where therapy was an option, or where saying “no” was even on the table. Family loyalty and collective responsibility weren’t just cultural values, they were a means of survival.

So when you set a boundary, it probably doesn’t register as “healthy communication.” To your parents, it might land as disrespect, rejection, or even betrayal. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, it means you’re speaking a different emotional language than the one they’re used to.

Here are some common experiences adult children of immigrants share:

• Feeling like you can’t say no without being seen as ungrateful.

• Being compared to cousins, siblings, or the neighbor’s kid who always seems to be doing better than you.

• Getting pulled into family obligations (even when you’re overwhelmed) because “family comes first.”

• Being accused of “living in the past” when trying to share your thoughts and feelings about previous experiences.

• Having your choices about career, relationships, or lifestyle questioned, criticized or judged.

• Feeling like your role is to care for your parents emotionally (or financially), even when it costs you your own peace.

What Boundaries Actually Do

Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re subtle, intentional ways of creating space for yourself while still showing care for your family. Especially in immigrant families, where love is often expressed through sacrifice and expectation rather than words, boundaries can feel complicated. Keep in mind that they’re not about rejecting your parents; they’re about protecting your energy and emotional health so that you can participate in the relationship in a sustainable way.

Here are some realistic ways boundaries might show up in everyday life:

• Time boundaries: Taking a moment for yourself before helping with a family task, or quietly stepping away during a gathering to recharge.

• Emotional boundaries: Listening to your parents’ concerns without needing to internalize or agree with everything they say, holding your own perspective quietly.

• Energy boundaries: Helping in ways that feel manageable, even if it’s less than what’s expected, or sharing responsibilities with siblings.

• Caregiving boundaries: Meeting your parents’ needs in smaller doses or scheduling help when you feel able.

• Holiday or cultural obligations: Participating in traditions in ways that feel meaningful, while limiting overextension.

• Financial boundaries: Contributing what you can without sacrificing your own stability.

• Internal boundaries: Recognizing your gratitude for their sacrifices while prioritizing your own needs.

Boundaries in this context are often subtle and non-verbal; they might show up as pacing yourself, stepping back when overwhelmed, or prioritizing self-care afterward. Over time, these intentional choices can help reduce stress, prevent burnout, and allow you to show up more fully and authentically in the ways you can contribute.

Softer vs. Firmer Boundaries

Boundaries exist on a spectrum, and it’s definitely okay to start small.

Softer boundaries are subtle, everyday choices that protect your energy without creating major conflict. Many of the examples above fall into this category. They’re gentle nudges that let you practice asserting your needs while still honoring your parents’ expectations.

Firmer boundaries are more direct and assertive. If you’re ever ready, or find yourself in need of more concrete, not-so-subtle boundaries, these approaches can help protect your well-being while still honoring your relationship. Examples include:

• Saying no to requests you truly cannot meet, even if it might disappoint your parents.

• Leaving a gathering early if the environment becomes overwhelming.

• Clearly communicating limits around caregiving, financial contributions, or household responsibilities.

• Stepping back from conversations that feel emotionally harmful or invalidating, while remaining respectful.

• Prioritizing your own mental health, therapy, or self-care routines, even when family pressures suggest otherwise.

Setting any kind of boundary with immigrant parents (whether subtle or firm) takes courage, consistency, and self-compassion.

Taking Care of Yourself Afterward

After setting a boundary, whether soft or firm, it’s normal to feel a swirl of emotions: guilt, anxiety, relief, or even sadness. That’s why self-care afterward is so important.

Here are some ways to support yourself:

• Validate your feelings. Guilt doesn’t mean you did something wrong; it means you’re challenging old patterns.

• Seek support. Talk it through with a friend, journal about it, or process it in therapy.

• Re-ground yourself. Take a walk, practice deep breathing, or do something soothing that reminds you of your own needs.

• Celebrate the courage. Even small boundaries are significant steps, acknowledge your effort.

• Give it time. Change is gradual. Consistency builds respect, understanding, and healthier long-term connections.

5 Things to Remember About Setting Boundaries with Your Immigrant Parents

1. Boundaries are acts of care, not rejection. They help you stay connected while protecting your well-being.

2. Start small and be consistent. Even one gentle boundary is progress.

3. Use language and actions that bridge worlds. Small, subtle moves often speak louder than words.

4. Honor your feelings afterward. Guilt, anxiety, or second-guessing is normal, and self-care is essential.

5. Boundaries take practice. Over time, they strengthen relationships and help you show up as your fullest, healthiest self.